Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Oh, the Cruelty of it All

I have been trying to come up with some event for a man that is as painful and humiliating as - you guessed it - a woman having to try on a swimsuit. If we ever questioned the gender of God, this is one Hell of a case that he is male. A female God would never subject another woman to such agony. (It is against Mother Nature - Come to think of it, too bad she is not in charge.)

And, I'm not sure what is worse, watching fit tanned young women (who never appreciate their bodies at that age) carelessly trying on suit after suit, simply concerned about the color - making me feel like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Or, other middle aged women who have no business whatsoever wearing a swimsuit, much less putting their friends in an untenable position by asking if it makes their rear end look "wide". A good friend would say, "How does it feel?", a better friend would say, "The color looks great." And, her best friend would say, "What if we go get a glass of wine."

Either way, I cringe and run back in the dressing room hoping that I have not sunk to those lows. True, I am no Victoria's Secret Model (never even came close) but , I still can wear a swimsuit without offending most people. (Well, my youngest daughter is offended. Then she is offended by anything I think is acceptable. But, I digress.) As long as I still fit into regular sizes, then I'm OK. As long as I still fit into regular sizes then I'm OK. As long as . . .

And every year "they" (the cruel powers that be) come out with another version of their idea of a slimming swimsuit. Please define 'slimming'? Slimming what? The high thigh cut ones that are designed to make your legs look longer and more 'toned' only give my generous thighs more room to spread. One school of design suggests 'healthy' women wear bright patterns for a more 'slimmer' look. Then there is the other school who will say stick with 'black' because it hides everything.

So I am in the dressing room with a black swim suit that is very boring, and a bright orange and yellow Hawaiian print that is definitely lively. I put on the colorful one and it is comfortable - score one. Since  it is quiet in the dressing area, I venture out to look in the large mirror. It is at that time that three dressing room doors behind me open and almost in sync, three women walk out as if they are stepping out of the swim suit edition of Sports Illustrated. 

And, there are the four of us. Suddenly I feel like a VW van from early 70's painted in psychedelic colors standing next to a Ferrari, a Lamborghini, and a Saleen S7. To add insult to injury, one of the girls looks at me, smiles and says, "You know they say black is a good color this year."

Where are my friends when I need them for that glass of wine?

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