Monday, March 25, 2013
I Never Got the Merit Badge
No one bothered to tell me (and it is a little too late now) that I needed an apprenticeship before I qualified as MOB. Now, as I have said before there are those women who dream of this.
I think there are three categories of MOB's. Those who spend every other waking moment from the time their doctor says "It's a Girl" until the preacher says "I now pronounce you . . " planning, scheming, booking, and envisioning the perfect wedding from engagement party to brunch to reception. Then there are the red neck don't give a damn "I saw it in a magazine, Kim Kardashian did it this way, so I can too"'s. (Of course this is translated into a version straight out of a trailer park, Woodmen of the World Hall, and the City Park near the fountain, just beyond the playground and the jungle gym.) And, there is me trying to find my way through the mad world of designer gowns, must have trinkets, and to die for do dahs (spare me please).
I never saw a merit badge on Wedding Planning when I was Girl Scout and my sash was filled with a plethora of badges ranging from First Aide to Camping to Forestry to Recycling - Thank You! I even had one on Collecting. (My collection was one of beer cans. And, I had a quite the selection - more than 75 different cans from all over the world, including many domestic varieties most local folks had never heard of. Needless to say, Mrs. Hewett, my Scout Leader, bless her heart, was a little speechless when I made the presentation to the troop for my badge. But, I digress.)
Back to the matter at hand. I was prepared for the gown, the invitations, the cake, and those matters. But. no one prepared me for the onslaught of issues that require copious quantifies of drugs and alcohol to handle. Linens - white or ivory? A runner? And, what color? Should it be satin or organza? What size stage does the band need? And, the dance floor?
The venue needs another check. I have already paid them. A set-up fee? That wasn't in the contract? Oh, we can pay it or set-up the tables and chairs ourselves. That doesn't look like an option. And, the bakery wants $250 just to deliver the cake? I'm not sure my wedding dress cost that much. On second thought, isn't a wedding cake so over rated anyway?
Do we want a golf cart to carry our guests from the polo field to the lawn? No, our guests can walk and enjoy the lovely grounds. Do we need one? No. What if . . ? If something happens, we'll deal with it then. We've checked the guest list and no one is infirm. If someone does something stupid at the rehearsal dinner- they are on their own.
We (the venue of the wedding and reception) did tell you that the street address on our website is not the correct address for GPS navigation, didn't we? Oh, Joy! Since the plantation is 2 miles off the beaten path of the only main road in west Jesus, I guess they can wing it. The invitations have already gone out.
Oh, and by the way, we did tell all the guests that they cannot get a taxi from the airport in Charleston to the island, the closest hotel is 30 miles from the venue, and to remember to bring mosquito repellent. And, perhaps it will be best not worry them about the alligators. But, April will most likely be warm enough for them to be out and about.
I know these are just the minor details that everyone deals with. But, I had enough trouble finding a dress. No one prepared me for golf carts, GPS coordinates, and runners.