Saturday, September 5, 2015

Fried Chicken, Lightn' Bugs, Hair Spray, Bubba, and Baby

The upcoming Labor Day holiday reminds me that any white shoes I have need to be safely stored until the dawn of next Easter. And in doing so I thought about the other customs, traditions, and beliefs, sometimes referred to as archaic, that are still embedded in our psyche.

  • Wearing white shoes (with the exception of athletic shoes) after the first Monday in September shows that you were either raised reared in a barn, have no sense of pride, or, when it comes to clothes - are totally uncouth;
  • One can tell the status of a family by the ratio of meat dishes over all other types of  food brought by friends, neighbors, and loved ones when a member of the family dies. If you want to get into the weeds, look at the ratio of fried chicken over  ham. 
  • If you want to get thrown out of the Service League (and maybe run out of town in shame) show up as a hostess at a luncheon with store bought cookies or a cake in the box.
  • Some women still frown upon those who put dark meat in their chicken salad and adding grapes is still questionable (however the Food Chanel may justify that one).
  • Down here "Firefly" is a type of British shoe or vodka. "Lightn' Bugs" are the magical creatures that light up the yard at dusk.
  • Don't ask us for directions and expect to understand the landmarks, "Go to the red light, turn right and go a piece until you come to the old Piggly Wiggly. Turn left, and after a mile or two there will be John McDean's Store, it's a Shell station, no maybe Esso, I can't remember. Turn right just after the store and you will see the place you are looking for on the left. If you come to the burnt tree you have gone too far." (Of course the Piggly Wiggly closed 12 years ago and there is a Dollar Store there now, McDean's Store is an Exxon station, and the burnt tree fell down years ago, but we all know where it is - you can't miss that long curve.)
  • Going out in public with wet hair is beneath us.
  • Hair spray was created for southern women and we are in mourning for the aerosol can.
  • A southern woman always has a casserole (or two) in the freezer in case an emergency arises such as a friend or relative suddenly taking ill. This allows us to show up prepared with a home cooked meal.
  • A string of pearls can be worn with anything.
  • We have been monogramming our sheets, towels, and the collars of our children's Peter Pan shirts long before the fad and we will still be adding our initials and monograms to such items long after this whim fades away.
  • Yes, we name our children some odd names, but they are family names we are proud of, so get over it. And, so what if we have the 3rd's and 4th's. Then there are the nicknames - Bubba, Jr., Skeeter, Little Bob."Sweetie", "Baby", "Sport", and "Honeybunch" are truly terms of endearment.
  • And, yes, College Football, is a religion down here.

Bottom line, honey, if you don't get, we really don't care. It's not like our feelings are going to be hurt.

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