Take a small town in southern Alabama, and a young lady, just slightly out of step. Add gnarly family trees, entrenched traditions, and everyone living with skeletons in their closets - welcome to Gallagher. There one will find an extraordinary cast of insane characters. And, it could only happen in the South.


Tuesday, January 23, 2018

A Tale, Told by an Idiot

Before the Sheriff could call the Judge, he heard Mary Lou on the phone. "He's right here. You need to talk to him?" She paused, "Sure, hold on, I'll get him."

Mary Lou rolled her chair a few feet back so she could see into the Sheriff's door, "Anna Belle Vontese is on the phone."

The Sheriff picked up, "Anna Belle, how are you?"

"Rascal I'm good. Well, I could be better. My ex son-in-law has decided to protest in my front yard. Can you come do something about it"

"Is he in your yard or on the sidewalk?"

"Oh no, he has stationed himself on my front lawn, where all my members have to walk around him."

"Oh boy," said Rascal. How many times had he dealt with Buck. "Is he bothering or harassing anyone?"

"No, he is just on my lawn with his cross."

"I'll be right over. Just leave him alone until I get there."

Anna Belle thanked the Sheriff and they rang off.

Rascal stood up, put his hat on his head, and walked out of his office. "I'm on my way to Anna Belle's to see why Buck is there. If you need me, call me." With that the Sheriff left station.

When he drove up to The Gentleman's Club, he sighed, and said out loud to himself, "Dear God, what has he done now?"

The Sheriff parked his car and got out. As he walked up to the lawn, there was Buck wearing only a loin cloth holding his wooden cross over his right shoulder, spouting verses of Revelations.

“Immediately I was in the Spirit; and behold, a throne set in heaven, and One sat on the throne.”  He continued on, “And there will be signs in the sun, in the moon, and in the stars; and on the earth distress of nations, with perplexity, the sea and the waves roaring; men’s hearts failing them from fear . . ."

The Sheriff interrupted,"Buck, what are you doing?" 

"Saving the souls of this sinning place."

"The Gentleman's Club?"

"No, the town - full of the filth of sin, imbibing of evil drink, and  pre-marital relations of the bed. These souls need saving because, 'Behold, He is coming with clouds, and every eye will see Him, even they who pierced Him. And all the tribes of the earth will mourn because of Him'."

"Buck, you are on private property, I'm afraid you need to move on."

" 'Tis not true, for Jesus said, 'Thus all the tithe of the land, of the seed of the land or of the fruit of the tree, is the Lord's; it is holy to the Lord'."

"Well, even though the Bible tells you so,  you do not have the right to be here. If you want to save souls, why don't you serve at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. That is God's work."

Buck looked at the Sheriff with contempt. "The Lord will provide." He paused, "Tell me sir, when did you last darken the door of the Lord's house?"

Ignoring the last comment the Sheriff asked, "What do you think you are going to accomplish here?"

"The Lord has given me the strength to search for the truth and get back what was pledged to me."

Humoring him, the Sheriff asked,"OK, what was 'pledged' to you?"

"Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." 

Buck are you taking about marriage, about Bunny? She is not your wife anymore."

"But. it cannot be, for I know better." Buck shouted as the Sheriff called Mike for back-up.

"Buck, you and Bunny are no longer married, no longer 'joined together'," said the Sheriff as he waited for Mike. Buck was rarely belligerent and difficult to deal with. However, when the subject was Bunny, the rules changed.

"A dark angel, in flowing black robes, came to me in a vision. She said, 'The world will end', and that I needed to be prepared."

"So you saw this angel? Where were you when you saw her?"

"On Jacksonboro Road, pleading for the salvation of lost souls." Buck looked at him with wild eyes, "I cannot rise to the gates of heaven without my life partner."

Mike finally arrived and the Sheriff told him quietly, "Now, he says he saw an angel who told him the world was going to end and he fears he will not get to heaven without Bunny."

Mike approached Buck, "So you saw this angel, what exactly did she say?"

Buck looked Mike straight in the eyes, "She said that life must move on. That I must gather my things and move." Before Mike could reply, Buck added, "She was foretelling the end of the world. She was telling me that I needed to reunite with my partner to prepare."

Mike looked at the Sheriff, "I agree that, perhaps, Buck should gather his things and prepare. Do we need to get Dr. Magill over here? "

The Sheriff, realizing that Mike was ahead of him, agreed. "I'll call him. You just keep Buck calm."

Rascal went back to his car and called Mercer. After explaining that Buck was expounding Bible verses, as usual. However, today he was saying that an angel had come to him, foretelling the end of the world. She told Buck he needed to 'reunite with his partner' to prepare."

"So Buck is saying that he needs Bunny. Isn't there an restraining order? Has he contacted her?"

"Yes there is a restraining order, but he has not contacted Bunny that I know of. But he sounds as if he is convinced Bunny is his key to heaven."

Mercer suggested that Buck be taken to the Judge for a commitment hearing. "I think hallucinations and threats to violate a restraining order qualify for commitment. No doubt the Judge will agree."

"We can do that. Right now, I'll take him in for trespassing and disturbing the peace." The Sheriff looked at Mike and nodded toward Buck, who was still yelling quotes from Revelations.

As the Sheriff and Mike approached Buck, he slowly backed up. "I saw the dark angel with red tipped fingers and a purple turban. She was the messenger. God said he would send one to foretell of the day."

Mike looked at the Sheriff and shook his head. In unison, they said,"Reeza!"

The Sheriff was very calm. "Buck, we believe you. But we need you to go with us."

"But, I must gather my partner," pleaded Buck.

"Let's talk about this later," the Sheriff said as Mike grabbed Buck's hands and zip tied them behind his back. He recited his Miranda rights, and moved Buck to the Sheriff's car. All Buck could say was "Brunilda, Brunilda". 

Mike shook his head. "He sounds like Orson Wells' character on his death bed asking for 'Rosebud'." Mike shook his head and opened his car. He laughed, "And just where will we find our Phoebe?"

"Our what?" asked the Sheriff.

"Phoebe, the Greek goddess of prophecy, our dark robed angel with red tipped hands, wearing a purple turban."

"Great, now I have an angel speaking riddles to our proselytizing town apostle. Life just gets stranger everyday."

Mike laughed,"Well, 'Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player [ ] it is a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing'."

"I like that. Where did you get that from?"

As Mike got into his car, he answered, "I picked it up from a guy named 'Bill'."

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