Monday, June 10, 2013

Southern Women's Vacations

There's a funny thing about southern women and their vacations. Basically, there are four types of vacations they take: the family vacation, the vacation with the spouse, the vacation with the girl friends, and that "personal time" vacation. Now we all know about the family vacation and the get-away with the spouse and those necessary trips with the girls. But, it is the "personal time" vacations southern women take that just slay me (as my mother would say).

Any other part of the country, a woman would have nothing to hide saying  that she was going to a spa. Now, this may be a code word for a "fat farm" where for a considerable amount of money, she is going to (hopefully) lose a lot of weight in a short period of time. Or, it could be just her way of saying, "I'm going to an expensive place to be pampered because I can afford it." (Or, at least I am going to act like I can - so what if I have to eat tuna fish for a year?) 

Now in California, the land of the "eternal youth", women are constantly having "work done" and are damn proud of it. After all, they want everyone to know they are taking care of themselves - preserving their beauty. The fact that they can no longer frown and have a permanent smile on their faces is just an accepted way of life. Sure inject me with a vial of what in the dark ages they called the "plague" - not! There is a reason they call the west coast the land of fruit and nuts.

Well, down here when a southern woman disappears for a while, unless she is seriously ill and  folks have visited her at home, she is up to no good. There are only two explanations. She has either gone and had a face lift or was in rehab. And, when she returns, it is often hard to tell which was the case. Sure her skin is clearer and her countenance better, however it may well be the first time you have seen her sober in years. But, wait, you never thought she touched the stuff. Well, then, on closer look, she does resemble Tammy Fay Baker without the extreme eye lashes.  

A lady I once knew told me, "Well if you are going to have 'work' done you need to start at an early age so they cannot tell you have had anything done." I was lost on that one. "But, when do you know it is time to start, if it is before they can tell?" I asked. "Oh, you'll know." I think this falls in the same category as "Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you." 

But, then when she came back from her first "procedure", she took me aside, "Can you tell?" "Tell what?" "That I had anything done?" "No, not really." "Oh, come on. He tightened this," she said pulling her neck. "And, he pulled here,"she said pointing to her eyes. "You honestly look the same to me." Then I realized I had hurt her feelings. "I thought the whole point was to start before anyone could tell?" "Well it is, but certainly it makes me look younger?" "Not, if you didn't need it because you looked young enough to begin with."

I think I'll stick to the first three of the four types of vacations. For one thing, I cannot afford the later, nor do I hope I am that vain. Besides, it is too late. I am way pass the point where anyone can tell. At 53, I have no desire to look 30. And, I'll take a pass on the plague, thank you.

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