I made the mistake of once again trying to find a new bathing suit - sober. And, it has gotten worse since my last foray into the wilderness of swimsuits. I found myself staring at two racks. One was full of itsy bitsy tops and the other, teeny weeny bottoms. Really? They could at least keep the two parts together, the humiliation is greater when one is forced to face it twice.
There were no "one-piece-that-makes-everyone-look-slimmer" choices to be found. You know the ones that are made of at least one yard of fabric that would discreetly hide the sags and weight of a middle age woman. If I thought there was a conspiracy earlier, now I know the coup has occurred, we have lost, and the new regime is in place. That regime being the young, lithe, slender, (sickeningly so) Sports Illustrated type women who can wear these small patches of cloth they call swim suits these days. Oh, to be around when they hit middle age and the cruel fate of the years catches up with them. But I digress.
As I stood there looking at the racks of swatches and string labeled "Swim Suits", a sales girl approached me. "Can I help you?" "I'm afraid not. I assume there are no more modest flattering suits this year?" "No mam." (OK, let's add polite insult to injury here.) "They just don't seem to be the fashion any more." "Certainly, someone must be making them. After all, we, you know the baby boomers (I assumed she had studied about us in her history class.) are a pretty big market you would think someone would want to tap into."
She asked, "Is it just one piece suits you are looking for?" When I told her yes, she smiled and said, "I think I can help you. There is a store down town called Maes. I am sure they will have one piece suits. My grandmother shops there all the time. "
I was afraid to qualify my request by adding that I did not want said suit to be made of wool or cover my knees. And, that a rubber bathing cap was not necessary. I graciously thanked her nonetheless.
Men of my age may tire of hearing women bemoan the ordeal of trying to find a swimsuit, I just wish they would have to sport a Speedo on the beach for a day. Perhaps, then he would feel our pain.
Yes, if there were any doubt - this is proof - God is a man. A female god would never have us suffer such agony year after year.
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